03 May 2012

I get knocked down...

Hey kids, I'm back.

I wish I could say I have been on a fantastic adventure for the past couple of  months, but alas it's not that exciting.  I've been through some ups and downs and all along training for a marathon.  The most recent "down" knocked the wind out of me pretty good, almost to the point where I wanted to throw the towel in on the marathon.

I've been less than happy at my job for quite some time. Running, as you know, has been my coping mechanism for dealing with things that make me less than happy. Through the winter, running wasn't making me feel any better. Every run seemed slow and painful from head to toe. Zero energy, zero enjoyment. The weather didn't help. Ice, wind, snow, slush. It all sucked.

Then there was a ray of light.

I was offered what I thought was my dream job. I accepted and resigned my old position that I had for almost 9 years. Suddenly I was full of energy; every step I took was a bounce. I was lighter on my feet than freakin' Tigger.

And then there was dark again.

My dream job was cancelled before I even started. Suddenly, I was not only without the job that I had looked forward to so much, but I was completely unemployed. *Expletive*. After I stopped sobbing, the first thing that came to my mind was "How am I going to run a marathon?" Funny, I think most normal people would wonder "How am I going to pay my mortgage?" or "How am I going to feed myself?".  It's not like those things weren't important, but running was my coping mechanism to get through those kind of struggles. I felt truly defeated.  Enough so, that I thought about just giving up and hiding from the world on my couch. 

I'd like to tell you that I suddenly had a revalation that nothing can beat me and I'm much stronger than this, but it didn't happen.  I sobbed some more. I made some calls and started connecting with people and looked for job leads. And the next day I went out and ran.  I don't think I'm running now because I look forward to the release - not like I used to. Now I run because it's normal. For now, I have no desk to sit in by 9:00. I have no reports due every second Tuesday. My training schedule is what's keeping me sane, like I have a purpose besides sitting at the computer emailing contacts and searching for job postings. 

I used to post each and every run to all my social networking outlets. It was my pride and joy. Look! I ran! I felt great! Look! I ran and it was raining! WOOT! Now, I don't post them at all. I want to keep them to myself for now, because how I feel during these runs can't be summarized by a smiley face or even a frowny face with a bandaid on his head.

So I'll keep plugging away and in a few short weeks I'll run the full marathon in Ottawa. When I cross the finish line, regardless of my time, then I will know that I cannot be defeated.

1 comment:

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